My months of Manic Mayhem

Back to life, back to reality, back to the blogging world.

This blog has been shelved, collecting dust. Neglected before it really began. 

I felt the pressure, I had the desire to write, to share, to capture, but my time and energy had been sapped. I am a working girl, I can put in a full days graft and I handle well (in my opinion). Yes I sometimes like to nap too. But SHEESH, I cannot remember putting so much effort and sweat and my soul, into such a long period of happy and sad momentous days.

I found this picture and it sums it up for me in the weirdest way:

I change my hair a lot, it's just hair, but I have done drastic chops at stages in my life that have curveballed, without me having thought of it. So here I am with very cropped hair, battling to tame the bed-head look. You can't control everything...

The rollercoaster...

My bestie (Shev) gave birth to the sweetest gem, Emma. All 4,19kg's of her! I am so overwhelmed each time my friend's add to my brood of little people. Congratulations! I am so proud of the parents my besties are. 

My bestie (Robyn) got to travel to the U.K. A great accomplishment and life lesson for her, it has been a dream for years. Travel breaks barriers within oneself. (And I got Penguin bars - win/win situation)

My other mother, my boss lady, my guidance... Ann, got hitched. It was such a fabulous and festive affair. Through all the preparations, baking, log hunting etc. I could never have dreamt of a better day for her. 

My step Grandfather passed away. Don was a remarkable man, the best man for my Gran. He lit up our family and spoke with care. He touched us with his kindness and he engraved his name into our hearts. He will be sorely missed, but after much pain, he is now an instrumental part in assisting God with our paths in this life. 

I bought a *new* car, I sold my favourite, I miss my black Terios, which I feel suited me best. But we evolve and I am now an owner of little white wheels...

I baked, I cooked, I planned meals for hundreds... I am so grateful for the job opportunities. 

1. I catered for Shevs baby shower as documented on this post.

2. I baked airplane cookies, cupcakes and pecan nut pie for a little guys 1st birthday. 

3. I baked 2 decadent cakes for Ann's wedding. These went down a treat!

4. Oh yes, I did a 3 course plated meal for 130 people! With the help of Robyn. The 2 of us really achieved something that night, for just 2 little ladies, we rocked it!

5. Milktarts have oozed out of my kitchen.

6. I have explored with scrumptious little date balls and drool worthy butterscotch sauce. My portfolio is growing and I'll soon have a price list of bits and bobs.

Beer, Burgers, Beach days, Buddies, Breakfasts, Bottles of Booze, Baking. 

Dinners and socials with friends. Sleepovers with the kiddies and pizza night. My little social club is growing and it makes my heart smile! 

As you should know, I travelled to Mozambique, which was beyond awesome. The trip opened my eyes to poverty and what we are taking for granted. I will always realize how privileged I am to have the opportunities and resources available to me. T.I.A and I love it! 

My Dodo (gran) visited us for a few days, she warms me, she inspires me and she supports me. There is no bad bone is this lady and how I wish to grow to be just like her. 

I helped a family with au pairing on my days off. I helped a friend with a dinner function. I felt appreciated for my small tasks and just want to sprinkle gestures of kindness everywhere.

The walking stopped, the germs knocked me flat. But on the good days I turned to yoga and planking. I involved my mom and Tony too. Boy how tough it is, I am nowhere near as fit as the pros on the internet, but the way I try and giggle my way along makes my body and I happy. 

P.S. I am in the early stages of kicking it on the tar again...

Online shopping is my weakness. But oh how fun Christmas shopping is, way in advance with no queues. One of my purchases, it was once a 1cent coin...

We had a day at the game reserve. Imfolozi is one of my favourite day trips. We kept our eyes peeled like bush babies, feasted like hungry hippos and laughed like mischievous hyenas. Some dressed for the occasion...

We celebrated birthdays and anniversaries in our home. 

My mom, my everything, turned 21 again. 

My parents and grandparents married in August. 

My youngest uncle, Graeme passed away a few years ago and the anniversary will always be with us.

2 ladies that are so close to me are fighting their way through cancer. Inspirational to say the least. Reminder to live each day, to love our bodies and to embrace our loved ones. 

So Spring has sprung with an emptier calendar ahead of me, days to fill with exploration. It is now time to reflect, to calm worries, to catch up with friends, to absorb my chaos, to escape from challenges. 

No Goodbye

Just about year ago a little boy left this country, a little boy that had crept into my heart and bound himself tightly. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't want to.

6 months ago I lost my heart with that little boy attached to it, my soul, my purpose, my pride, my home, my love. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't want to.

A Better Me

Lately I find it a sick kind of weird the way that people treat others. Why would you go out of your way to belittle a person? Why are we mean for no reason at all? Why don't we build up each and every person that we come into contact with? 

There are broken souls in this world, just torn apart from harsh words. It has a ripple effect because that hurt transfers to every person that that person gets near to. 

Our children need support, they need to be built up to be the best individuals, they need direction, if you cannot show pride in your child, where will your child ever see the pride in themselves? Do not focus on small errors, see the bigger picture, see the blessings that create character rather than pick at that character one cruel comment at a time. 

We should be our own critics and stop critiquing others. We all have faults, take hold of them, better your own heart, be the best that you can be.

I was fortunate to know a couple in Mtunzini who radiated goodness, their every word was sincere, their smiles and hugs warmed each and every person whether a friend or someone passing by. Harold Horn passed away recently, leaving Martha with us, his funeral has left me thinking, there wasn't a single negative word to be said, since then it has constantly been on my mind to try a little harder, to check my actions, to watch my words. I will attempt to be the best person I can be to the people around me, a little kindness goes a long way. 

My Busy Brain

A long day has just sucked all the energy from me. My batteries are flat. My feet are sore. My dreams are fast approaching. 

Today I received an overload of wonderful messages, the support has been pouring in and I am so thankful. My mini house is a wreck of work space, beer boxes with little projects happening here and there, drawers filling up with storage for the fun still to come. My little brain is a buzz with ideas. Exciting!! 

I have a little holiday soon, counting the sleeps, can you hear the whisper in the waves? Ponta Molongane, Mozambique, in just over 2 weeks. If you are reading this, do not go further, you can come back to finish reading this post, but right now follow this link and envy me, because this is where I will be disappearing to - http://tartaruga.co.za

All thanks to Bruce and Ann for making this trip possible to me, I am sure it will not be the last time that I head North to this little paradise. More stories to come!

I have decided that when I am big/bigger I want to be... My mom and Dodo (my granny)

During the day my thoughts were far away in a happy space, let me share just 3:

1. I am beyond privileged, I hear of and witness children being neglected, abused and led astray and I have thanks that I was protected, educated and supported, I am but one of few.

2. I am able, I was taught to take care of myself, I am skilled thanks to my Mom and Dodo who were patient while I learnt to separate eggs and iron and sew etc. My cooking and home making skills stood me in good stead for my life, the two of you developed my passions. 

3. I am kind, I am honest and I am humble. My heart is good, yes I have faults, but the majority of me is sunshine, bloom, blossoms and florals. My morals are pure and I am at peace with my soul. I admire the ladies that were there to guide me, I had the best influence. 

Presenting...

Miss Muffin Top
This very young blog here just had a face-lift. I have been battling to find confidence in this little project, I enjoy it very much and it is really becoming my sound-board to the universe, but it is just so personal, so me. I have not forwarded the link to many people, I have not published the link on Facebook, my nearest and dearest have been my go to guys and I think they are getting a bit sick of my messages asking their opinions. It feels as though I am about to strip down to my knickers while the paparazzi scrutinize every lump and bump. Here I stand, smile and wave regardless, take a big look - yes I am winter white and yes I last shaved over a month ago - gawk all you like!

So today is the day that I will share my blog, with much pride. I feel that it now has a purpose, a name and a pretty "dress". I look forward to all comments and constructive criticism.

In my family there is talent, oodles of creativity as well as business brain, I often feel like the little dud when we get together. I got the short straw when it came to the working mind. So when I eventually hopped onto the idea of a little personalizing/branding for my baking; my blog and all future endeavors, I knew who to contact - my cousin Robynne de Waal. I sent her a quick brief on what I had in mind, colours, etc. Just a few days later I had options sent to me, I had to pick and choose, but I liked them all so much, she is brilliant! I again sent them off to my friend for opinions and approvals, and yes she agreed that Robynne had done a wonderful job. A world of thanks to you Robynne, I know that you will soar in the design industry!
My label will now be stuck of each and every baked product. I have even got invoices, letterheads and business cards. This little mini business can fly.

Thank you to all that take the time to read my story, my thoughts.

Elo Aloe

Today I came across a little spring in my step. Maybe it was there yesterday too. The most bizarre really, as this spring arrived in winter, if you know me, you will know that I hide under my down duvet for 4 months, protecting the world from the morbid soul that infests my body.

I rose rather late (lucky me) yesterday and stumbled into my sheepskins (thank you God for making sheep for this purpose), I went through my morning ritual at midday, and zooted along to run errands. I received comments of "Wow, where are you going?" - seriously this is what happens when you live in a village and you pull on anything other than a track-pant and you let your hair out of the ponytail... Anyway to get back on track, I felt good, I put my mind to things, ate my yoghurt and nuts and got cracking! (Nuts & cracking - Teehee I impress myself) 

My creative juices were flowing, this is not natural, I have to squeeze with calloused hands usually. I drummed away at the pc, I packaged really nifty baby shower stuff and got prep underway for a really cool cake for next weekend. 

I have a fabulous (to say the least) cousin, Robynne, who has been putting her brilliant skill to good use by designing me a little logo for this blog and for my baking hobbie. Well I received a few mind blowing designs which I battled to choose from and let's just leave it at that, wait and see... Thank you Robynne! 

Today... I started by going to work, it was quiet and I hurried my jobs along just so that I could get home! With that accomplished, I worked on a little invoicing, I drank my cup of lchf fat shake which I love, and then I did something that needed to be done - I put on the takkies.

For 14 days I have avoided walking, the sniffles have been hard core. I told myself to take it slow, I told myself that distance must be kept low, I told myself that I have 8 days to get prepared for a 15km!!!! What?

Well this was the outcome: 

I took it slow ✖️

I kept it short ✔️

I need to prep for 15km 😳

As I was coming in at home, which has thee steepest hill en route, I liked what I saw, I liked all the indigenous flowers in full bloom, our garden is alive with so much magic. I took so many photos, I couldn't resist.

(That is my house up that steep hill), look at all the life and colour!

Everything is a buzz! 

The life of colour, in winter, wow.

All so alive, what a beautiful world. 

Winding down from my magnificent high, I heard of new life, a little cherub fresh to this land. Congratulations to my friend Tarryn, Benjamin is a beaut. And to Robyn, you will be there in no time at all.

Thoughts That Fester

The last 4 or so days have been busy, I cannot think of just 1 thing to type, I have had special moments that all deserve a bit of airtime and photographs:

First and foremost, my town, my village, my paradise. Zini you are beautiful. 

I have been snapping away at little moments that bring me joy, my gallery floweth over!

The Umlalazi River, locally known as the Lagoon, this is my view as I trod along most days. Showing off today at dusk.

The view from our main road, and the golf course. The winding Umlalazi River, reaching our warm Indian Ocean.

I have been hitting the tar a lot in the last few days, it is the sites I see en route that brings me the greatest joy. Stumbling upon these cool creatures grazing through the town was my highlight, I always love to see them but, I do fear them, getting near enough and then brave enough to stroke his nose brought me oodles of excitement!! 

Next up would have to be the wonderful people that snuggle into the deepest crevices of my heart. 

I have been emotional (understatement of note!), but through this I have sought loving and kindness, I have been more generous and appreciative, I have been super conscious of loving the people that love me. There are a handful of people that will never fully know their worth, yes I have given in little ways to them lately, but oh the appreciation that has been returned!! I love prezzies (who doesn't), but shew this weekend felt like my birthday! I got taken for lunch at The Clay Oven,

Invited for drinks which rolled into dinner where I walked out with my all time favourite, Nougat, 

And Melissa's Choc Chip Cookies, to name just a few.

I had fresh and warm chocolate crumpets and tea and I got spoilt ROTTEN again with a precious little trinket box, loved it all!

I treated myself to a weekend alone, stole the peaceful and quiet weekend at our guesthouse, for no other reason than to relax in a different setting.

I sat in warm winter sun at the pool, took long lazy baths, ordered take aways to avoid cooking, lounged in my sheep skin slippers and started and finished a book in a day! 

And baking, ofcourse it always sneaks in there...

I had Tuesday off too, so a milktart it was, to say a very big thank you to one of the friends that had given so generously. Sugar Biscuits too, to put in the cookie tin for a cold day, which I hear is due tomorrow! 

May my soul rest easy for the time being and may the coming weekends continue to fill me with happiness. 

Life's Way Of Telling Us To Catch A Wake Up

Making waves in the news at the moment is the death of Maya Angelou, I have seen it on social media everywhere. I feel like a dunce, I did not recognize her name, I had to google... Wow, this lady is credited with such profound quotes! I read through a few with a dropped jaw wishing that I could have known her, fed off her knowledge, she must have been the best friend to have! Slap me in the face with raw honesty, with truth that rips into the core, harsh reality that gets the clogs in your brain turning at the fastest pace. This fabulous lady said these words that rang in my ears like little precious flutterflies, 

 Ahhh-May-Zing! Thank you, rest in peace. 

I then went for an impromptu drive up to Eshowe. I was in my own little world looking out of the window at the beauty all around us, we arrived at the Fort Nongqayi Museum Village, where we always pop into for a cuppa,

It was all just carrying on and then I noticed a pillar at the entrance, it has always been there, I had never LOOKED at it... WHAM! In your face!

This is me right now, this is my heart, my life. Jeepers creepers, right?!

I didn't mention my feelings to anyone, I continued to the table on my merry way... I ordered a delicious cappuccino with cream... chitter chatter... Sugar? Yes? No? YES... Voila...

Shivers down my spine! 

Perhaps all of this means more to me than to any of you, maybe you think I'm reading into things, maybe I'm seeking perspective and finding what was always there? Who knows or cares?! This shit bit my bum hard and I'm happy that it did! 

I will treasure these little quotes for a while, I will draw inspiration from them, I will be a better person (I hope) and that is all we can ask for and work towards. 

xoxo

Emotion

I'm talking about my life, it's broken, I'm finished. 

I had hope to be with you to make you happy, I had hope to guide you and love you to bring peace to your troubled soul, I had hope for a future, I had hope that you would want me forever, I had hope that my life had purpose, I had hope that he would be my little guy, I had hope for a home we spoke of building, I had hope that our lives would forever be one. so much hope.

I'm now stranded I don't see myself, I don't see a future, I don't see support, you are the person I think to speak to about everything, the only one that knows me. 

I wake up crying, I fall asleep crying. In between is a blur of fake smiles and stupid conversations that mean nothing.

There is nothing left, hollow, I'm just meaningless. I have no hope for tomorrow. 

I used to see your scars, I used to pick up your pieces, I used to patch your troubles together with kisses, I used to share every pain you had. Understand that it all transferred, I am now scarred, in pieces, troubled, pained, and I have nobody to patch any of it together. 

Sad Ramblings

Today I miss you, more every day, tomorrow I will miss you... 

I wonder what you doing, who you with, whether you sad, whether you loving the freedom, whether you moving on. I wonder what your future holds, I wonder what my future holds, separate futures. 

I want to know if you have guilt, I want to know what you were thinking, I want to know if you loved me at all.

I need to speak, I need to be me, I've lost me, I've lost my listener, I've lost my soul and soulmate - I am lost. 

My day is empty, full at the same time, empty without meaning but full of loss and wonder and sorrow and heartache.

I don't sleep at night, yet I just want to curl up and switch off and sleep, I know it will not happen, again tonight, again tomorrow night. I just want to switch off.

I see people, face them, feel them, speak to them, few know my pain, few realize the hollow I am, few know I do not remember their existence. 

I eat - nothing. My heart beats - nothing. I breath - nothing. I drink - nothing. I speak - nothing. I cry - nothing. I laugh - nothing. Everything for - nothing.

The rain is suitable, my misery is tightly wound to me in my winter layers, the cold doesn't penetrate, the rain doesn't dampen me, I am soaked and frozen to the core by many a shed tear. 

I ask for a friend, yet I cant convey the need I have for them, they hear the real, not the depth, the deep depth. The friend I need is not attainable, the friend I crave, I chased away.

Muffin Top's Story

I have been in a hole lately, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, escape in my baking and walking have been doing me well, however the words come to me and I cannot express easily to the people around me. I look to the quiet escapes to find calm, in my life and mind, being alone is my best friend and worst enemy all rolled together. I am passionate about many things, which ooze to the surface as people get to know me. I am a peace maker, home maker and a lover of food. I qualified as a chef, did a few years in the field before putting it aside to keep it all to myself, my pleasure and comfort. I hope to share my journey in this blog - from the kitchen, to my feet on the tar, to the nature and air that I breath, and to knowing that I am blessed every single day.

I come from a tiny village on the East Coast, grew up in a nearby town and trekked to a few places before boomeranging back to my comfort zone, my home, my community. I love this piece of heaven, I love the tranquility and it soothes my soul like no other place that I have ever been to. The beach and sound of the sea are my haven. The community and support in a village is something I wish for everyone to know.

Walking eases my mind, I have recently started to push myself, I only do it alone, my music in my ears, my Runkeeper pushing my pace and the nature surrounding me. I pass monkeys playing along side my track, all the butterflies and birds drifting past and I feel but tiny and blessed in this playground.

My happiest memories are in the kitchen. My Gran taught me so much, the whizzing Kenwood Chef, producing explosions of flavour and excitement in our bellies to lick the bowl, not for a moment do I doubt why my Grampa never had to make a meal for himself. My Mom brought us up on clean fresh real produce, the only packet foods that I remember in our home were the pasta and sauce bags for when my sister and I were left to fend  for ourselves whilst mom was at work. My sister however never got the cooking gene, she does not enjoy it - but bakes well when putting all her efforts in, she would have lived off peanut  butter and syrup sarmies had it not been for me at home. School lunches were always different - waffles; custard; toasted bacon, cheese, onion, mushroom and what ever else was available to me; jazzed up salad sarmies; tuna in baked potatoes; the works. We fed the neighbourhood well most days too, grapefruit soccer took place around me in the kitchen as I set to work to perfect the waffle specified by each visitor. That is where the dream grew, we were opening a waffle house! I still maintain that I would have been the only person slaving away in the business, all produce devoured around me by my fellow business partners...

So to the present, I am in the beginning phase of planning a part time business (not the waffle house), I am the cupcake queen, I am proudest of my milk tart and I can whip up a pretty good biscuit too. I enjoy a challenge too, so at the moment the cake is cooling, waiting to be transformed into a Spiderman masterpiece, best I get cracking on that, the photographs will be posted and the tasting will  be enjoyed by many.

Here's to baking, making and caking.