Life's Way Of Telling Us To Catch A Wake Up

Making waves in the news at the moment is the death of Maya Angelou, I have seen it on social media everywhere. I feel like a dunce, I did not recognize her name, I had to google... Wow, this lady is credited with such profound quotes! I read through a few with a dropped jaw wishing that I could have known her, fed off her knowledge, she must have been the best friend to have! Slap me in the face with raw honesty, with truth that rips into the core, harsh reality that gets the clogs in your brain turning at the fastest pace. This fabulous lady said these words that rang in my ears like little precious flutterflies, 

 Ahhh-May-Zing! Thank you, rest in peace. 

I then went for an impromptu drive up to Eshowe. I was in my own little world looking out of the window at the beauty all around us, we arrived at the Fort Nongqayi Museum Village, where we always pop into for a cuppa,

It was all just carrying on and then I noticed a pillar at the entrance, it has always been there, I had never LOOKED at it... WHAM! In your face!

This is me right now, this is my heart, my life. Jeepers creepers, right?!

I didn't mention my feelings to anyone, I continued to the table on my merry way... I ordered a delicious cappuccino with cream... chitter chatter... Sugar? Yes? No? YES... Voila...

Shivers down my spine! 

Perhaps all of this means more to me than to any of you, maybe you think I'm reading into things, maybe I'm seeking perspective and finding what was always there? Who knows or cares?! This shit bit my bum hard and I'm happy that it did! 

I will treasure these little quotes for a while, I will draw inspiration from them, I will be a better person (I hope) and that is all we can ask for and work towards. 

xoxo

Just Keep Walking

"I am allergic to exercise!"

This was my favourite excuse whenever anybody asked me why I don't join them at Pilates, Body and Soul, cycling, etc. It was an easy excuse.

I have never been the over achiever, at school I was picked for the swimming team by default, and I'm sure I got the sympathy card for just showing up and ended up in the first team hockey too. I was supple and could bend easily through the warm ups, I was the loud mouth shouting instructions, perhaps I was the clown. I loved that I could see my friends for those few extra hours, I enjoyed travelling to matches and the comradery boosted every practice. I didn't enjoy fitness, I was  the slow skinny chick battling to do sprints, I remember being sent on a run one day, around the hockey field, around the rugby field, tennis and netball courts, passed the school and up again, I. could. not. do. it! My body burned, I lost my left lung along the way.

I did no sport again, I was proud to be the water girl that drove en route as my sister ran. She asked that I jogged with her, I tried, I walked, I lost the right lung.

Fast forwarding to the now, I don't remember why Ann wanted to walk, I don't remember how we got motivated, I don't even know where I managed to find running shoes?! I think perhaps I was trying to impress an ex, but we started the 3km's. We stopped to catch a breath, we paused for a sip of water, we chatted to anyone willing, we swore all the way up the notorious church hill, but we made it! Ann pushed me, she pushed hard.

Our walking distance increased and so did the friends pack. We did an average on 5 to 7km daily with a crew of chatter boxes. Somewhere we split the groups, we lost momentum, we stopped walking. 

A few weeks ago Ann mentioned that we should walk, "Yes!". I am not sure where the strength had been stored, but I had it, the 5km was easy. Ann is travelling a lot, therefor she can't walk regularly so I tried it on my own, music in my ears, my phone strapped to my arm, I loved it! I could push myself, I could go a little further, my mind could run away, my legs could burn, I love the sites I pass.

I have an app on my phone called Runkeeper, she speaks as you are going and it is motivation. Runkeeper logs your distance each time and it maps your route. I now have personal goals, hurdles to achieve, each little milestone is like a spark of excitement in my brain. 

I'm so proud of where I am, I'm doing a 10km stretch once a week and shorter walks in between. I find joy in sharing my stats on Facebook, I even uploaded a make up free & sweaty selfie of myself walking! Who is this person?! 

I'm not sure where I'm walking to, but I'm going to walk!

Baking: Sweetie Cake

I was requested to make a cake for a very active little boy's 7th birthday, his only request was chocolate. 

Being such a colourful character, I thought of Smarties, not realizing that without colourants these days, they are pale and girlie. I went to the shops again looking for BRIGHT sweets, Rascals worked a treat for this treat.

Reece's cake was a chocolate beer box 7 with chocolate icing and many little Rascals covering it. I've been told that this big cake was demolished by just 8 boys in minutes. 

This is such an easy but effective way to style a cake for any aged child.

Baking: Nautical Cupcake Toppers

40 Handmade nautical cupcake toppers that I made for a 50th birthday party. 

    

Emotion

I'm talking about my life, it's broken, I'm finished. 

I had hope to be with you to make you happy, I had hope to guide you and love you to bring peace to your troubled soul, I had hope for a future, I had hope that you would want me forever, I had hope that my life had purpose, I had hope that he would be my little guy, I had hope for a home we spoke of building, I had hope that our lives would forever be one. so much hope.

I'm now stranded I don't see myself, I don't see a future, I don't see support, you are the person I think to speak to about everything, the only one that knows me. 

I wake up crying, I fall asleep crying. In between is a blur of fake smiles and stupid conversations that mean nothing.

There is nothing left, hollow, I'm just meaningless. I have no hope for tomorrow. 

I used to see your scars, I used to pick up your pieces, I used to patch your troubles together with kisses, I used to share every pain you had. Understand that it all transferred, I am now scarred, in pieces, troubled, pained, and I have nobody to patch any of it together. 

Sad Ramblings

Today I miss you, more every day, tomorrow I will miss you... 

I wonder what you doing, who you with, whether you sad, whether you loving the freedom, whether you moving on. I wonder what your future holds, I wonder what my future holds, separate futures. 

I want to know if you have guilt, I want to know what you were thinking, I want to know if you loved me at all.

I need to speak, I need to be me, I've lost me, I've lost my listener, I've lost my soul and soulmate - I am lost. 

My day is empty, full at the same time, empty without meaning but full of loss and wonder and sorrow and heartache.

I don't sleep at night, yet I just want to curl up and switch off and sleep, I know it will not happen, again tonight, again tomorrow night. I just want to switch off.

I see people, face them, feel them, speak to them, few know my pain, few realize the hollow I am, few know I do not remember their existence. 

I eat - nothing. My heart beats - nothing. I breath - nothing. I drink - nothing. I speak - nothing. I cry - nothing. I laugh - nothing. Everything for - nothing.

The rain is suitable, my misery is tightly wound to me in my winter layers, the cold doesn't penetrate, the rain doesn't dampen me, I am soaked and frozen to the core by many a shed tear. 

I ask for a friend, yet I cant convey the need I have for them, they hear the real, not the depth, the deep depth. The friend I need is not attainable, the friend I crave, I chased away.

Babies?

Treated like a fool and having people laugh in my face, tease me and slander my ideas when I have passion and focus for something that I believe in, have thought over and researched. Knocked down, defended the idea, had the debates and honestly felt as if I was "farting against the wind". All for a life.

I was born in South Africa for a purpose, I am a true South African and unbelievably proud of my roots. Was I put here to purely exist? Were the "whites" of my generation just left in a country to survive? Is it not in our capacity to diversify and love? Does helping and trying to make a dent in the good of the world only specify to your own race? Being "religious", "Christian", "church-going" - do these qualities not enter into all facets of life, your country, the world? As speaking to more people in all these years that I have felt this desire - I am continuously met with the blank look and "WHY?" The majority of whom I have believed to be "good" people, just do not get it, or rather show major defiance to my choice of future.

Was I bred to breed? Was my sole purpose to eat, sleep, work and die? Oh and populate an over populated earth? Is something that burns with goodness in my heart really so wrong on so many levels to so many people? Will I have friends on this earth should I choose not to breed, not to populate, go against the grain, make a difference in a tiny souls life, make a future for a being that was not offered the choice or privilege that we were offered granted.

Do not ask my why I want to  adopt a child. Just walk away, turn and remove yourself from my life if you cannot show me an ounce of your respect and support. Especially should it bother you of what race I would choose - Did you get a choice of your colour of family? Would I rather face the hardships of raising somebody else's child, or the hardship of bearing a child with Down Syndrome, would I rather face the hardships of having another argument with a narrow minded empty vessel that cannot share love and sees imperfections or pigment before considering the joyful possibilities for the life of myself and the child, regardless of it growing within my womb or within my heart...

I read a few blogs related to adoption, oh how my heart yearns to take babies into my home. I do not consider that I am single, that my budget is not flexible or that my home is not equipped, these children need a future and I am eager to begin. Today the Blessed Barrenness (not yet tagged, I need a bit more confidence in this blog...) tweeted about her option of a 3rd child, one of her daughters' sister, and the social worker needing to place her. My heart went THUMP, I want to take her! This however is not an option, I am not yet even in the system, but what do you do when there is a child without? Without a home, without a parent, without love...

I need this child, as much as he/she needs me.

Muffin Top's Story

I have been in a hole lately, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, escape in my baking and walking have been doing me well, however the words come to me and I cannot express easily to the people around me. I look to the quiet escapes to find calm, in my life and mind, being alone is my best friend and worst enemy all rolled together. I am passionate about many things, which ooze to the surface as people get to know me. I am a peace maker, home maker and a lover of food. I qualified as a chef, did a few years in the field before putting it aside to keep it all to myself, my pleasure and comfort. I hope to share my journey in this blog - from the kitchen, to my feet on the tar, to the nature and air that I breath, and to knowing that I am blessed every single day.

I come from a tiny village on the East Coast, grew up in a nearby town and trekked to a few places before boomeranging back to my comfort zone, my home, my community. I love this piece of heaven, I love the tranquility and it soothes my soul like no other place that I have ever been to. The beach and sound of the sea are my haven. The community and support in a village is something I wish for everyone to know.

Walking eases my mind, I have recently started to push myself, I only do it alone, my music in my ears, my Runkeeper pushing my pace and the nature surrounding me. I pass monkeys playing along side my track, all the butterflies and birds drifting past and I feel but tiny and blessed in this playground.

My happiest memories are in the kitchen. My Gran taught me so much, the whizzing Kenwood Chef, producing explosions of flavour and excitement in our bellies to lick the bowl, not for a moment do I doubt why my Grampa never had to make a meal for himself. My Mom brought us up on clean fresh real produce, the only packet foods that I remember in our home were the pasta and sauce bags for when my sister and I were left to fend  for ourselves whilst mom was at work. My sister however never got the cooking gene, she does not enjoy it - but bakes well when putting all her efforts in, she would have lived off peanut  butter and syrup sarmies had it not been for me at home. School lunches were always different - waffles; custard; toasted bacon, cheese, onion, mushroom and what ever else was available to me; jazzed up salad sarmies; tuna in baked potatoes; the works. We fed the neighbourhood well most days too, grapefruit soccer took place around me in the kitchen as I set to work to perfect the waffle specified by each visitor. That is where the dream grew, we were opening a waffle house! I still maintain that I would have been the only person slaving away in the business, all produce devoured around me by my fellow business partners...

So to the present, I am in the beginning phase of planning a part time business (not the waffle house), I am the cupcake queen, I am proudest of my milk tart and I can whip up a pretty good biscuit too. I enjoy a challenge too, so at the moment the cake is cooling, waiting to be transformed into a Spiderman masterpiece, best I get cracking on that, the photographs will be posted and the tasting will  be enjoyed by many.

Here's to baking, making and caking.